On Paternity leave
Originally published on Substack on October 03, 2025.
This is a deviation from the topics I intend to regularly write on, but I hope you would agree a worthwhile one.
I'm coming to the end of my paternity leave, looking after our awesome little boy. We are incredibly lucky in Deutschland that shared parental leave and equal parental pay (Elternzeitgeld) is enshrined in law, that unlike in many other countries, parents are truly incentivised and enabled to share the burdens and joys of caring for their young children.
In advocacy for shared parental leave
When I announced that I would be away on parental leave for much of 2025 a common refrain from male colleagues and friends was “what are you going to do with the free time?”. An assumption was made by those with kids and without that parental leave was essentially a holiday from the serious business of the working world.
In retrospect, this tells me that even in a society as (in general) equal as the UK, there remains a huge disconnect in understanding when it comes to the burdens of caring for young children. That more should be done to incentivise and encourage split parental leave by governments and firms, that common tropes in certain media that caring for young children is the core responsibility of the mother should be challenged, that young people need more and better role models than is common today.
Its well travelled headline that the western world is facing a 'Fertility crash’ . Part of the response has to be reform in how we educate, inform and support young people in thinking about shared responsibilities for child rearing. To make the concept of fatherhood of young children a primary rather than supporting role in their minds, to balance the scales between partners so that less of the impact of taking time away from the working world falls on the mothers shoulders.
Lessons Learnt
With my grandstanding out the of way, I wanted to share some lessons learnt of my past 6 months. To put my comments in context, every child is different; our little boy started to grabble in his 6th month, pull himself up anything he could get his hands on in his 7th and crawl in his 8th. He's been a proper (joyful!) handful since the beginning!
In writing about my challenges, this should not take away from it being an amazing experience to spend soo much time with a little boy changing and growing daily, and with all the ups and down we'd do the same again!
Focussing becomes a marathon sport
As far as (A)I can find there isn't academic consensus on how long the average person can focus on a task with ranges going from minutes to hours. Personally I think that focussing on a young child's needs and ensuring they don't hurt themselves for hours on end is probably one of the toughest mental loads i've ever experienced.
Maybe a parallel is to a guard; staring out into the darkness for hours on end without losing focus. Pressure builds over time until you feel a wave a tiredness, challenging you to keep your emotional calm.
Before I started paternity leave I thought I might use kiddo's nap periods 'productively’. The honest reality is you need these rest periods as much as the child to reset.
Be kind to yourself.
Embracing not being productive
Life for most of us until now has been focussed on achievement, get the right grades, the right job offer, deliver the project on time/budget/quality. We're obsessed with GTD, ticking off tasks/jobs/certifications, with having our sense of self-worth tied to what we do.
When caring for a young child you've got to learn to put all of that aside. To redefine your role as wholly dedicated to a single critical job; looking after kiddo.
It sounds simple….. but the reality is after 20, 30, 35 years our brains are rather hardwired to working in certain ways and reacting to the rewards of getting stuff done.
I had days when my mind would be running 10X faster than my day, and days when it felt like it was running on fumes.
Its OK to just get through the day, be kind to yourself.
Nobody expects the Isolation until it hits you in the face
We are innately social creatures, from nursery (kita), through school, university and the workplace we're used to interacting with others on a daily basis. Coming from spending all day around colleagues (whether in person or virtual) the sense of isolation whilst caring for young children is very real.
We spent most of April in the UK visiting family, friends and colleagues. Coming back home to Deutschland hit me really hard. I've friends over here after 2.5 years, but obviously much more limited than from my previous 33 years in the UK!
Whilst the you'd think the solution to this (Socialising!) is simple; the reality of daily life with young children can make this way harder than you think whether you're living in your home country or abroad.
Be kind to yourself.